Today is the day that will forever be marked in history as the day that “Our Gabriella” really became our daughter, Gabriella Moseley.
If you’ve been following my blog for awhile then you will know this has been a long time coming. It’s been over 3 years that we’ve been on this journey and even though today is the day that it becomes final, and legal, it still doesn’t seem real.
I haven’t posted an adoption update in almost a year because it’s been a very difficult year. Shortly after my last update Gabriella’s counselor suddenly passed away, after only a 3 month battle with cancer. It was a devastating loss, a huge change that we weren’t expecting and one that was really hard for Gabriella. This was only the beginning of the difficulties we have faced over the last year, most of them too difficult to even put into words.
Lots of people adopt, it’s a very common thing in our culture, but it’s so hard bringing an older child into your home because there are very few people that adopt older children, and that understand the difficulties you are facing. It’s this very thing that made Matt and I feel so alone this last year. We quickly realized that when the crap hit the fan we had very little support around us. No one, not even our families, were asking us how we were doing, how things were going, and if we needed support. It was at that point that we went over to our neighbors one Tuesday evening, (we hang out with them and drink wine every Tuesday night after all our kids are in bed) and my friend Christi looked at me and said, “you look terrible, is everything okay?” And I lost it. I broke down in tears, and for 2 hours Matt and I shared what was going on, our struggles, our pain, our feelings of loneliness and the struggle that’s real when God calls you to something, you’re faithful to do it, and then you question why.
It was after that night that Christi decided to throw us a “night of encouragement”. She gathered a handful of our friends and we spent and evening at our house sharing our hearts, reading my original blog post on this topic, and they all reminded us why we were on this journey and that God is faithful. I was also super convicted that night because of a word that was spoken by Christi’s husband, who said something like this (I don’t remember the exact word for word, just what it said to my heart), “I’m reminded of the story of Jonah. God asked Jonah to go speak to the people of Nineveh, which he didn’t want to do. In the end, after he ended up being obedient, he was angry and bitter about it. You’ve already been obedient to the Lord but you have a choice, do you want to end up being bitter about it, or do you want to choose joy and see God’s hand at work, even though it’s not what you thought it would look like?”
Yikes. That hit me like a sword to my heart. I don’t want to end up bitter and angry like Jonah, I want to be able to rejoice with the Lord and see His hand at work, even when it hurts. That night was a turning point for us. It gave us the strength and the courage we needed to start asking for help from our friends, when we needed it, to meet with some of our family members and have hard talks with them, telling them we didn’t feel supported by them, sharing our pain and being vulnerable.
Even though our situation hadn’t changed, we had changed, we felt stronger and we were a team. Matt and I have learned so much over the last couple years, of this adoption journey, but I think one of the biggest, and hardest things we’ve learned is to not carry the burden. Let me tell you, it’s SO hard when you are being told you’re failing as a parent, in one form or another, to not carry that burden. But we’ve learned that it’s not ours to carry; if we are doing everything we can to parent, provide, set boundaries, be obedient to the Lord, even if we do everything right and we’re still “failing”, we can’t own that. I know that probably seems like a no brainer to anyone in a “normal” parenting situation but it wasn’t for us. This concept was something God had to speak to us through individuals around us, the few others we’ve connected with, that have been in our same shoes. We’ve had to wrap our brains around the idea that we can try to be the best parents possible but still never be good enough, and that is okay as long as we are being obedient and we don’t end up bitter, like Jonah.
The hardest piece of the puzzle has been watching how all of this has affected Malea (who is 6 years old). For the most part she has stayed faithful in loving her sister even when she doesn’t feel loved in return. However, recently we’ve had some really hard talks where she’s opened up to me and asked me why sissy doesn’t love her and she told me she’s sad that I brought sissy into our home. All these things make me want to melt into a puddle of tears on the ground but I stay strong for Malea and with the Lord’s strength I’ve been able to turn these conversations into really important lessons about obedience to the things God calls us to, even when it’s not easy and sometimes it hurts. I shared with her that it’s been hard for mommy and daddy too, but that at the end of the day obedience to the Lord is the most important thing.
People tell me all the time, “you guys are doing such a great thing” and my response is, “well we’re doing something.” I’m not sure if what we are doing is a “great thing”, I’ll let the Lord decide that on judgement day, because I know I definitely fail a lot. But what I do know, beyond a shadow of a doubt is that we are doing something. We didn’t sit back and wait for someone else to hear the same thing from the Lord, so we didn’t have to do it, we leaped right in head first. We definitely knew it would change everything, and that Malea’s childhood would be completely different, but I’m glad it has changed everything because we are better people, we have a better marriage, I’m having conversations with my 6 year old that some parents probably never have with their children, because we chose to listen and to be obedient. So even if what we are doing it’s necessarily a “great thing”, at the end of the day, even when I want to quit, I know that I will be able to stand in front of the Lord someday and say that I did “something”.
I know this is a lot, probably not what you were expecting from an Adoption Update, but it’s the real, honest and sometimes ugly truth. Which brings us back to today. You’ve seen countless changes in our home over the last two years – bathroom makeovers, kitchen makeovers, backyard makeovers, etc. but today our home, our family, is getting the biggest makeover of all. Today we go from being a family of 3 with a foster child living in our home, to a family of 4. Gabriella, for the first time in her entire 17 years and 11 months, will belong. For the first time ever she will have a family that has accepted her, that is for her, who wants to see her succeed and who will fight for her, even through all the really painful things. We mark today as the day that the old becomes the new and our daughter officially becomes Gabriella Moseley.
To read our story from the beginning click HERE.
All photos were taken by Brett and Emily Photographers last November.
Anna – big hug. Wisdom comes at a price, but is invaluable. Love is everything, but doesn’t always fix everything. I’ve not adopted or fostered, but I have worked with street kids and at-risk families. They often don’t know how to be vulnerable enough to say or show thanks and love (and often have difficulty recognizing it), but it’s there in their hearts. Every act of faithfulness, kindness and love you are showing are pebbles slowing filling a gaping hole of hurt and betrayal. My prayers are with you and your family. Thank for speaking to my heart today.
Thank you Susan. 🙂
Congratulations! I am so happy for you and YOUR daughter. I know sometimes it feels like the Lord is giving you something that is beyond what you think you can do but I am always reminded “When God pushes you to the edge of difficulties TRUST him fully because one of two things can happen. He’ll either catch you when you fall or he’ll teach you to fly.” I pray he teaches you to fly!!” I pray also that your family is bonded in love, communication with each other and support in God’s loving guidance.
Thank you so much Kimberly. I really hope he teaches me to fly too. 🙂
Anna- First of all congratulations! I am so happy for all of you that the adoption is official. As for your post, I love your honesty and transparency. When being obedient to the Lord, He asks us to do hard things, things we feel like we just can’t keep doing. Many people choose to cover up their struggles, but that is not what encourages others. Your honesty about the hard things is what will encourage others to keep going, no matter what they are facing. And those hard things, well they actually end up being the best things. They are the things that change us into who God created us to be. Even though we have never met, I’m sending you a cyber hug to say thank you and never give up…you’ve got this because you have Jesus!!
Thank you Kim! I could really use a hug today. <3
Thanks for sharing your story (struggles and conviction) and your AhHa God speaking through others moment. We too have journeyed foster to adoption and I needed to hear so many of the words you spoke. Blessings to your official family of 4.
Thank you so much Shelly. It’s definitely not a road often traveled, and an extremely hard one when your child comes from a past of trauma. Let me know if you ever want to talk, I’m learning it’s important to stick together. 🙂
Thanks Anna…I love when I come across people who get it …who walk the same road of parenting our very amazing kids. Non of our close circle have a kid like mine so your words and journey truly speak to me. I don’t wish what our family walks through on anyone because it is a daily challenge and true parenting Ninja that help my hubby get through each day(of course it’s truly God who gets me through each second). One of my kids teacher’s told me this week that he is a work in progress…
I love that you adopted yours before she aged out of the system….prayers for your little love bug of protection from all your big love has been through
Anna…I have so much in my heart that I’d like to say to you. Your journey is unlike mine. But believe me when I say that many MANY parents, parents of biological children, parents of adopted children…any child…has expectations. And for many of us, have had a year like you’ve described here. You may know what has happened with Gabriella that has brought you to this place, there are countless mothers and fathers who have raised children from birth–and those children have not made the choices we expected…the choices we would have made for them…the choices we thought we’d prepared them to make. I don’t say that to make you feel that I’m in any way making light of what you’re going through. It’s just that you aren’t alone in your pain even though our experiences are different. And it isn’t just teenagers…it’s also grown children, and it’s the pain with seeing how their choices affect our beloved grandchildren. Please…always ask for support. I love what you are doing and God’s Word gives me comfort every day. When I think “God, it’s not fair…” I’ll quote Patsy Clairmont who said once that she checked the Bible and “fair is not there.” When life seems so hard, I go to verses in the Bible that give promises to me…and I’m learning every day. I love you for sharing your heart here and I hope you see this as my heart means it…I want you to feel encouraged that you are not alone. I don’t want you to feel anything negative. But mothers do understand…we do also know pain…and we can be a support, and love you through this. Thank you for what you’re doing. You are making a difference. You’ve done the right thing. Your family is being obedient. You’ll see the results. Have you heard the song by Jason Gray, “Not Right Now.” Those words and melody spoke to me…other people do understand more than I thought. In God’s love – to you – I wish I could hug you in person.
Thank you so much Cathy. I know we are not alone, I just feel alone because most of our friends have small children and their lives are still full of sunshine and roses while mine is full of my teenager blaming me for all of her problems and lying to me for months on end until she’s finally caught. I think part of what so hard is that I didn’t do those things as a teenager, I was definitely not an angel and I know I drove my parents crazy but I didn’t lie to them, I did the things I was supposed to do, I didn’t tell them they were terrible parents, even though at times I wanted to, so being faced with this now is like a totally foreign world to me. Sometimes I just want to smack her and say, okay, we’ll take away everything we’ve given you and then maybe you’ll realize we aren’t so horrible after all, you know!?
I’m so sorry about your situation with your grown kids, I don’t even know how I would handle my daughters making decisions that would hurt my grandchildren, I can’t even imagine. I admire you for going to the Word and trusting in the Lord, even after all this time. I know it seems cliche to say, and I’ve heard it a million times too, but God will honor you for what you are doing. Even though I know it never feels like it, He will, and He will continue to give you the strength.
Thank you so much for your comment, it was the encouragement I needed after today. I too wish I could hug you in person but instead I’ll give you a virtual hug and hope that the Lord sends someone to give you a good hug tomorrow. 🙂 Blessings!
We have been in search/match for 1 year. Looking for an ‘older’ child age 7 to 12. Can’t believe it is taking so long but know we are in God’s will. Congratulations on you finalization! Very encouraging post.
Good luck in finding your child! <3
What a beautiful post, Anna! I love how you shared this. Adoption is an amazing thing, and you are wonderful parents to do this.
Big hugs, Jamie
Thank you! <3