I started off writing this as an email for a couple of friends getting ready to have babies but then I decided why not share it with all of my lovely followers as well. 🙂
A couple of years ago after I had my daughter, Malea, I found myself spiraling down a black hole. Nothing was really “wrong”, Malea was eating well, sleeping well, my husband–Matt–was being helpful and supportive, but still I just didn’t feel right. I had heard that some moms ended up with postpartum depression but I kept thinking, “I don’t feel depressed,” I just didn’t feel anything.
From the moment my doctor handed Malea to me in the tub (I had a water birth) I hadn’t really felt anything. I knew I loved her but when they handed her to me I simply thought, “now what do I do?”. There were no sparks flying, no instant feelings of a love I had never known, or any of those other amazing things I hear moms talking about. I knew I loved her, and had been anticipating her for months, but I think out of not knowing how to be a mom I swung into “get it done” mode. I had read the books, I knew what I needed to do, so I did what my Type-A personality does best and I stepped into action.
When Malea was about six weeks old I was talking to my mom on the phone telling her how I was feeling, or rather my lack of feeling, she immediately told me that what I was experiencing was postpartum depression and that I needed to see her friend who was a psychiatrist. I talked to Matt and we both thought there was no way that’s what it could be. I wasn’t crying all the time, I wasn’t feeling depressed, I was a good mom and taking care of Malea, so how could I have postpartum depression? Matt decided to look it up online and what he discovered was that I had almost every single symptom. I immediately got in to see my mom’s friend and after a couple months of counseling and medication I was beginning to feel normal again.
I share this not to discourage you if you are getting ready to have a baby but to tell you that you are not alone. For SO long I thought I was all alone in my struggle with postpartum depression. No one had ever talked to me about it, all I ever heard was how much all of my friends had instantly fallen in love with their babies and how amazing motherhood was. So I was left thinking what is wrong with me? Am I a bad mom for not feeling all those things? Not at all! It’s actually funny (well not like ha ha funny) but once I started sharing my story with other moms around me, to my surprise a few of them told me that they had experienced similar feelings. So why hadn’t anyone told me this before!? I wasn’t upset but it definitely made me realize that I needed to be open and honest with others about my story and what I went through.
Today I feel totally normal. I am a really good mom and I love Malea SO SO much. If you saw us together you would never know what we had been through. I prayed for months that Malea would not be affected by my struggle with depression and that she would feel bonded to me even though I didn’t feel bonded to her. Well God heard my prayers and never once have I, or anyone else, ever doubted Malea’s bond to me. In fact I think God used her bond to help heal me and to eventually grow my love and affection for her.
But having been through the hell of postpartum depression I have a HUGE heart for women that are new moms or are getting ready to have a baby. I want them to know that no matter what their experience is that they are not alone. I also want moms to know that if you are experiencing these feelings it’s not you. There is nothing wrong with you, you are not a bad mom and there is help. I found that there is a lot of help out there for moms like me and that postpartum depression says nothing about who you are as a mother, it is a chemical and hormonal imbalance in your brain and there are medications to help regulate the imbalance.
I know that Ask Anna is mostly about cleaning, organizing, recipes, etc. but if you are a new mom–or getting ready to be a new mom–I want you to know that I’m hear if you need to talk. Please shoot me an email if you need someone to talk to, need a little encouragement, or have a question. Because I felt no emotion for the first couple months of Malea’s life I focused on reading and leaning how to be a mom, so if you have any new mom questions I probably have an answer for you. 🙂
As moms we need to stick together, encourage and support one another. I’m here for you and I’m happy to help and/or pray for you.
Here’s to motherhood!
If you think you might be experiencing symptoms of Postpartum Depression click here to learn more.
Thanks for sharing…..I went through this with child #2, so it isn't always the first one. I went on meds FIVE years after my son was born, and now it is under control (my son is 7 now and i have felt good and energetic). Sharing and knowing u r not alone.
I think I had ppd after my first child was born, but I was too busy moving and renovating a house to really notice any. I just feel that I have never been able to bond with her like I did with my second. It is one of those things that I will never really know. Thank you for putting focus to this and opening up for conversations about this topic.
This is a wonderful post. My best friend suffered from postpartum depression after her daughter was born, and SHE HAD NO IDEA. Everyone talked about the birth–what to do, what not to do–how to care for the baby, breastfeeding–how to do it, infections, etc–but no one ever told her about postpartum depression. Sure they tell you it's a possibility, but no one really talked about it, especially not in depth. She had no idea what the symptoms even were. She put it to me just like you said. It wasn't that she felt sad, she felt "nothing." For months she felt nothing. Thankfully she, too, got the proper help she needed.Thanks for sharing this today.www.luxeboulevard.blogspot.com
Anna: Thanks so much for sharing this! I too struggle with postpartum that has unfortunately gotten worse with each child (I have three) but now that I know what it is, I know what to do. I really wish someone would have told me their experience after having a baby so I would know it is something normal and I wasn't crazy or a bad Mom because I struggled with that natural bond I thought I was supposed to feel. Thanks for sharing and looking out for other women! Candace Marks
I love that you shared this. I am sure that it will help mothers to know that they are not the only one feeling that way.
I struggled with PPD after my 3rd, Rylee. I remember bringing her home from the hospital with super high hopes. I was going to concur 3 kids. I had great plans to be up and going the minute I walked in the door and go back to the normal handling of the house, the kids and life. I was totally unprepared for the force of PPD. It was a long road. And I had terrible anxiety with it. Not a fun time. The nice part is, I didn't have any with my fourth. It truly is different each time.
I am due with my first baby at the end of April, and along with all the normal worries, I worry about this. I appreciate you sharing this post, and any prayers are always welcome and appreciated!
Thank you so much for sharing, I had PPD after my second son was born, so bad that to this day I can't tell you right off the top of my head what his birthdate is, wich I can do for my eldest. It is not talked about enough, and women should not be afraid or ashamed of consulting if they have the slightest doubt. You can and will get over it but it is much easier and faster with help. Thanks again for sharing.
Hi, I just found your blog and wanted to let you know that I am a new follower! 🙂 love your blog!Erinwww.purplebookbloggingmommy.blogspot.com
Thank you so much for sharing. It is nice to know there are other people with the same problem!
I went through the same. It took me a good 1 year to get out it!My worst roblem was insomnia! There were time you would'nt enjoy anything. I am so happy you are well! My daughter is 4 now and I am all good too!
Great post, Anna! I think I had a slight case with my second and third child but as you said no one had really talked to me about it. Then one day out of the blue my nanny just mentioned that I seemed down and ask if I had PPD and I said I don't know. she said she was praying for me, and it seemed that just the simple act of having it pointed out to me, kicked me into gear and made me realize as you said that there was nothing wrong with me, and thankfully I quickly got over it after that. With my third I ended up having to take meds, which I put off for quite a while because I didn't want to have to be reliant on meds to be normal, but after much prayter I realized it was okay, and it has made such a huge difference. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you for shedding some beautiful light on PPD. The more moms that open up about it, the more we can support eachother and make it less scary. After a year of my son being born and thinking I could do it alone, it’s time for me to reach out for some help. Sending love to all the mommys out there!